I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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