it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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