you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
