just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
