Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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