I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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