I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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