How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
