just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
