Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
