and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
