I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
