how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
