I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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