im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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