she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
