I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
