if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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