i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
