i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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