i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
