If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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