I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
