we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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