dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
