it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
