if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
