I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize