I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he shaved USA in his pubs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
