Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
