I haven't been this sober since birth.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
