i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
