DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
