Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
