it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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