I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
