I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
