OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
