You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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