And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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