You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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