____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
