I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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