peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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