Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
