Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
please come you make the beer taste better
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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