Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
