the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
