God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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