Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
